lacking
Something has been on my mind since a few days after I finished Ironman Coeur d'Alene (IMCDA) last August. I haven't had the desire to touch my bike. I literally want nothing to do with it. I've been ignoring the issue this entire time, because I honestly have no clue why, or how to fix it. It's just been festering and building, and I know it's one of the reasons for my deep depressive falls. Ignoring it, clearly isn't working.
I don't know where this is coming from. Before getting into this rut, the only thing I wanted to do was jump on my bike, and go for a ride.
It was the bike that pulled me through my TBI recovery. It was the bike that pulled me out of really bad depressive states, time and time again. It was the bike that even saved me from a few suicide attempts. I used to get tremendous joy being on my bike.
How the hell did I go from that, to never wanting to touch the damn thing!?
Can doing an Ironman have this affect on you? Did all that work, and subsequent payoff just suck every last bit of drive, motivation, and passion for this sport?
I touched a little about this in a previous post, where I talked about "post Ironman depression", and being told by my coach and triathlon friends that I need to do nothing and allow my body to recover after such an event like an Ironman. I never really wanted to follow those recommendations. I wanted to take the high of completing a full Ironman, and keep the training going. I was determined to stay in Ironman shape, so if I wanted to do another, I'm ready to go! I also had a feeling. If I followed those recommendations, and just did nothing and recover, that high would go away along with the drive, and motivation. I know how my brain works, and I should have just listened to my gut. Because of that lapse, I allowed myself to hibernate.
Not too recently, I tried to figure this all out. I looked back at my last big athletic accomplishment... Back in 2014, I road from Seattle to Portland in one day in the middle of a very hot summer, we're talking a solid 100+ degrees for a large portion of that ride. At that time, it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. Sadly, thanks to my TBI, and the loss of a large amount of my memories... I don't remember the ramifications of that event/accomplishment. I looked through my workout history in Strava, and I could see I didn't do much after that event. Did a charity ride two weeks later, and sparsely ran for the reminder of the year. Clearly something happened, and I eventually managed to pull myself out of it, because at the beginning of 2015 I was back on my bike preparing for my first road race season. I just don't remember what happened, or what I did... Thanks brain injury! No help there.
Back in September, I tried to kick myself out of, whatever this is, by signing up for the Seattle Marathon. I'll be the first to admit, signing up for that race, did help get me into a training routine again. But I was still lacking the drive to really do it. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was forcing myself to train. I would push my workouts as late in the day as possible, just so I could feel lazy, and still get what I needed done. I would allow long run workouts to fail. I would easily skip workouts and not event bat an eye about it. Everything about getting ready for the marathon felt forced, which I knew wouldn't set me up for success. I'm also sure the lack of commitment, and forcing to train resulted in the foot injury that made me miss the race entirely.
I never did any of the above when I was training for IMCDA. Even though I would vocalize how much I hated the workouts, and the time spent training ... I was eager, driven, and on top of all my workouts! When I missed a workout because of a legitimate reason, I felt tremendous amounts of regret. Almost to the point of feeling like I failed myself, and my coach for missing a swim, bike, or run day. I would go back and forth with my coach on how to make up for the loss time, and each time my coach would tell me, "in the big picture, missing a workout, or a day isn't going to matter." I knew she was right, but when you are that driven, you need to do whatever is necessary.
I also didn't know who to talk to, let alone explain this to people that aren't athletes, bike riders, or whatever. It's extremely difficult to bring it up to friends, family, loved ones, or even therapists, because they don't really understand. If you haven't been there, then it's really hard to help someone else.
Regardless, I still tried to seek help from others, because what's the worse that could happen? They don't know how to help and I would just be in the same spot as I am now. So I reached out, and pretty much got the same responses from everyone:
- Do charity events.
- Do fun runs, and fun bike rides.
I understand why they would say those things. They were encouraging me to make another goal, and use that to get the engine and motivation going again. On paper, it makes sense. I would then bring up to them that I tried that; signing up for the Seattle Marathon, and that wasn't enough to give me a sense of purpose or drive.
How do you top Ironman?
Was my usual response.
Brief side note, maybe possible revelation... Have I built Ironman up so much in my head, that everything else is insignificant?
Which they would then respond back...
Do another Ironman!
Do another Ironman... Duh, haha! How do you top Ironman, well you just go do another one. Each one brings a completely new set of challenges, as the courses are never the same. That totally makes sense. But, if you have never done one before, you don't really know what's involved in doing that. I'm not a professional athlete. I can't just decide to do an Ironman that's a month away, and be ready to go. No, I would most likely DNS, DNF, or get seriously injured.
But let's play with this idea for a moment though, as this is the response I mostly get from the people I'm seeking advice from.
If I wanted to do another Ironman 140.6 (the 140.6 references the combined milage of the entire race) in 2018, knowing that in October I'm scheduled for surgery that will knock me out for the rest of the year. So realistically, my options are races happening in summer. If that's the case then I would have needed to start training back in November/December of last year. So already missed that boat.
But, before I could even start training for this Ironman in 2018, in the closing months of 2017 I was dealing with some major problems in my life. Mental health, and probably the biggest one, an eating disorder. I'm incredibly under nourished, and under weight. I'm not even sure if training would positively or negatively impact the problem. With that eating disorder, I've really been scared to do anything fitness wise, because I don't know what would happen.
Maybe it's my subconscious telling me to just take a break, and enjoy what's happening in my life right now. Like, don't worry about what the next goal is, or the next challenge to conquer. To an extent, I agree with that thinking. Having people in my life that I care about, and who care about me is more important than any bike, running shoes, swimsuit, or even an Ironman! Maybe I just need to accept the feeling that I have towards all of this stuff. Just stop thinking about it. Who knows, maybe the urge for wanting to ride will just naturally come back, and then I go from there.
I'm very curious, if any of you have experienced something similar and can provide some helpful advice on things you've tried to help get you out of a slump like this. If you do, please leave a comment, or reach out to me! I would greatly appreciate more insight to possible solutions!
Let me talk about the two suggestions my friends and family have suggested.
Charity events. I used to be involved in a lot of charity bike rides, and in the past it has helped. They also brought a lot of stress, and at times disappointment. You are required to do a lot, especially if you were somewhat connect to the charity organization that is hosting the event. Having to fundraise, and help raise awareness for the cause your helping is very stressful. It's not easy constantly bugging your family and friends for money, and many times you end up disappointed because about 80% of those people aren't going to do anything at all. I also always matched the total amount raised, with my own money. And many times needing to put more money because the donations coming in weren't meeting the goal. Another reason why I don't do them anymore is because I lost all the connections to various organizations. Many were lost when I made the decision to no longer communicate with my family. Needing some kind of associations is a strong factor for me to put in all the effort to fundraise and raise awareness. So there's charity events.
Doing fun runs, like the million of 5k's that are hosted through out the year. Or all the Cascade Bicycle Club organized ride events, as an example for biking. Those simply don't interest me. They generally don't have a purpose other than just riding a "closed" course. They're generally expensive, and for me, I hardly ever use their rest stops, or provided food ... well, because it usually sucks. The biggest turn off is I generally get more frustrated than anything else. People that do these events aren't generally regular runners or bikers. They just wanted to get out of the house, and do something fun. Which is awesome, more power to them to getting active! But they also don't take it seriously, and tend to goof off, making the ride dangerous. People usually don't follow traffic laws, let alone the rules of the event. To me, it's just not a safe environment I would be comfortable with.