updates & motivation

updates.

It sure has been quiet on here lately… Well, the triathlon season is over. Fall/winter has arrived and everything is back indoors, so I’m still grinding away. I’m also potentially gearing up for a major surgery next year which is still waiting to get a confirmed date, so it’s really putting a monkey wrench in planning for next year/season as well. It’s really hard to commit to something with a cloud of uncertainty. Kind of annoying but what can you do?

Also, I’m just not really motivated in long form writing anymore. The struggle of being able to take the chaos that’s in my damaged brain into a coherent story is really frustrating. Something that I’m just tired of putting myself through. I’ve thought about changing the format a bit to short blurbs, but I haven’t pulled that trigger yet. Mainly because I tend to do those little blurbs or takes on Instagram stories. It’s something I continue to think about.

Another thing was a lot of life changes happened which were very unexpected and heartbreaking. Stuff that continues to happen in my life, but honestly what can you do other than pick yourself up, dust off, and continue forward and hope next time will be better.

Side note: The one awesome thing that came from my brain injury, memory loss, is that within a few months I won’t remember any of it. It’s a gift and a curse sometimes.

At least something positive did come out of it, that being a renewed focus on training, and creating small random goals to a) keep the motivation going when it’s the off season and next season is kind of up in the air, b) create discipline to see if you can stay committed to a goal that isn’t necessarily tide to anything. But to be completely honest, I don’t have any distractions anymore, which has allowed me to focus, create and achieve small goals.

off season motivation.

Like I said above, during this period of renewed focus and no distractions I’ve been wanting to test my discipline and see if I can commit to something that isn’t tied to some targeted race or anything really and see it through.

move
exercise
stand

Folks with Apple Watches should be familiar with the three rings in the Fitness app.

In September, I challenged myself to achieve a perfect month, closing all three rings every day. Being a triathlete who is actively training, you would think this would be a breeze since I workout every day, closing the exercise ring is guaranteed. The move and standing rings take a bit more work if my workouts are super intense as the move ring is based off “calories burned”. So, on short runs and my strength day I’m definitely aren’t going to make the move goal so I have to do something extra later in the day. I usually go for a 3-ish mile work which usually finishes off. Closing up the Standing ring, well, I just have to make sure I get and stand every hour.

It’s not as easy as you would think, but Apple was pretty smart when they introduced this feature in their Apple way. Having a visual representation of your daily activity kind of scratches that part of your brain of seeing something incomplete and sparks that satisfaction of seeing a graph, or in this case, a colored ring finished. That OCD effect. I know it triggers it for me.

Up until recently, the only way to close rings was with an Apple Watch. Now they’ve allowed it from just using an iPhone.

There were many days when I really didn’t want to put in that extra effort with closing the Move ring with a walk or something else, be that because of the weather, being tired, or just wanting an actual rest day. But, seeing that incomplete ring constantly reminds me of the goal I set for me and gives me that tiny bit of motivation to just do it. Those days, when my workouts alone wouldn’t do it, putting in those extra activities made the accomplishment even more rewarding.

Well, I did it, I got the perfect month for September! As someone who struggles a lot with motivation and drive when there’s no real carrot on the stick, hearing that notification alert and reading it… It felt so awesome!

I proved to myself that I can do it! I also felt a sense of relief that I can finally enjoy my rest time on those days when my workouts don’t close that move ring…

Or so I thought, lol

Yep, even though I did out I set out to do, I still felt that need and motivation to keep going. God damn you Apple giving a visual representation of how active you are. I have to close those darn rings! So, I kept going and achieved another perfect month for October, and now half way through November I’m still putting in the work and closing those three rings.

Now I’m sitting here wondering if I should just shoot for the end of the year. I honestly have nothing stopping me from finishing November and December. It’s just me in my life; no partner, family or friends. I won’t have those typical holiday obligations that can interfere with working out. Actually, setting this end of the year goal could be a welcoming distraction. This time of the year is always the hardest for me and my mental health. I usually get really depressed because I don’t get to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. This year it’s actually even harder because last year I was in a relationship and for the first time in 6 years I finally got to celebrate the holidays with what was my family and their extended family. The first time in 6 years. Now, I’m back where I was and that makes it really fucking hard. In fact, I’m actually crying just typing all of that, just shows how much this time of the year affects me.

At least I get to restart my Thanksgiving tradition of it being the only day I allow myself to have an Ultimate Cheeseburger from Jack-in-a-Box, mainly because it’s usually the only thing open on Thanksgiving. Which I do kind of look forward to in a depressing way.

I think pushing it to the end of the year would be a great distraction to help get me through this holiday season.

So, yeah, I might just do that. Sorry for ending things on kind of a downer. That’s just reality folks, but the difference this time compared to previous years, I’m trying to be kind to myself and find things to help distract and get me through the holidays and that’s pretty awesome!

after publishing reflections…

I feel like I need to let you all know that regardless of what I shared regarding dealing with mental health during the holidays and how this year is a little extra hard compared to previous… I don’t know, I feel like it may have given the impression that I’m in a pretty bad place or something.

I’ve been in the absolute best headspace I’ve been in since my accident in 2015. I’m happy with life and with myself. But I also understand that life can throw curveballs that can bring you down a little bit. That’s okay, as well, as it’s okay to feel down and depressed. It’s how you handle those ‘feeling down’ and feeling depressed times, which I’m doing in a far healthier way than a few years ago.

So yeah, I’m still super positive and allowing myself to feel the feelings so I can keep moving forward. I just wanted to make that clear.