two years in the making
In a matter of weeks, one of the biggest changes in my life is going to happen. A change that will finally make me feel whole inside and out. This single moment has been two years in the making… Well, I don't know if "in the making" is the correct phrase to use but hopefully you know where I'm coming from.
Of course, I'm talking about my upcoming vaginoplasty in October. Getting to this day has been quite the journey of sacrifice and perseverance. It's a testament of fighting to overcome the darkness that is mental and behavioral health, seeing all of your hard work and dedication pay off!
Around this time last year, I was supposed to be undergoing this very same surgery. But do those struggles and losing battles with mental health, I was subsequently denied. To have my surgery I would have to show my care team a drastic improvement with my mental health. Luckily they allowed me to reschedule the surgery for 2019, as long as I was stable enough to proceed.
At the time I was furious. I was furious because who were them to say whether the state I was in put me in danger or not. I pleaded with my care team that undergoing this surgery WOULD vastly improve my mental health. Not to mention, if I'm willing to take the risk, I should be allowed to take that risk. I'm an adult and more than capable of making sound decisions, my care team even agreed with that assessment.
I was furious because, last year, the surgery would have been 100% covered. I wouldn't have had to pay anything out of pocket. By the time of my surgery date last year, all my deductibles were met. This was the single biggest reason for me being upset. I wouldn't have had to pay for anything.
But, at that time, I was blinded by the fact I was denied the one thing that would allow me to feel complete. Looking back, I can say they made the right call.
I always own up to and take ownership of my actions regardless if they are good or bad. Being denied last year was the wake-up call I needed to fucking get to work on me!
So, I went to work!
Towards the end of 2018, I started closing a lot of books that were directly triggering extreme emotional responses that dangerously affected my mental health. Some of those books were making the difficult decision to remove people from my life that were causing these dramatic responses. Doing this alone made HUGE strides to getting my life under control.
I made a promise to myself for 2019. I promised myself no more wellness checks and no more ER visits for mental health reasons.
Today, I've been keeping that promise, and will continue to keep it.I decided to take a break from therapy. I knew the therapist I've seen weren't helping me but making things work. I would go into sessions dumping all these heavy and emotional things to only be told that time is up and it's time to go. So, there I was left having to deal with what I talked about because my therapist never ended my sessions helping me get back to center. I left all my sessions in a severely depressed state and without the necessary tools to get myself back together.
Each time I would bring this issue up and none of them took that feedback or changed their approach. It was the same thing every time.
So, I had enough of it and decided to take a break. To my surprise, this was the best decision that I could have made. It was like my brain suddenly could see all the tools I do have and apply them to these emotional events. It allowed me to teach myself how and when to use them, slowly improving them along the way.
During this time I was able to walk through a lot of my issues by myself.I started using one particular tool/skill that I've had the most success in stopping the cycle of depression before it starts. It allowed me to acknowledge the event or trigger and decide how to approach it more healthily. This skill is, control the controllable. I've talked about this in greater detail in a previous post, which you can find here.
By springtime, I was a different person. Sure, I'm far from perfect and I never have depression or depressive days, but when those days come up I approach it in a completely different way when compared to 2018.
Later in 2019, when I was in a better place, I decided to see a therapist regularly again, mostly because I have to to have my surgery. Therapy now has been much different and far my productive.
All of this hard work has finally paid off. I'm happy with myself and life. I'm eager to start every day and enjoy it to the best of my ability. I finally have a clear and positive outlook. Things are finally looking bright! More importantly, my care team was there watching my transformation and I no longer had any barriers blocking me from surgery.
This life-changing moment is so awesome, you have no idea!
I can finally fucking use the women's locker room like everyone else without having to hide or be in fear of being targeted like in the past.
But that doesn't even come close to the moment I've been dreaming up since I started transitioning. This is when I'll cry tears of joy. I have a special pair of leggings that I'm bringing with me, they are the tightest pair of my own. This will be the first piece of clothing I'll put on after surgery. When I put them on and I look down to see no more bulge.